*Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional, and this should not be considered medical advice and/or treatment. Information from this blog post/website is not intended to be a substitute for medical care by your own physician/medical provider. You should seek medical counsel for your own circumstances.
3 Breathing Techniques
for Emotional Regulation
As an adoptive parent, I often share how isolating and emotionally draining trauma parenting can feel. I am lucky enough to have a great support system and access to medical care and mental health resources. I know not everyone has that privilege.
With Mental Health Awareness Month and National Foster Care Month coming to a close, I thought it would be helpful to share some things that have helped us, in case it may help anyone else.
I have learned the importance of emotional awareness (the ability to understand emotions) and emotional regulation (the ability to exert control over an emotional state).
Children of trauma often have a hard time identifying, expressing, and managing emotions. Likewise, a lot of foster and adoptive parents can experience secondary trauma — signs of duress from being exposed to trauma/trauma responses of others — which can make it difficult for a parent to respond to their child in a helpful way during times of heightened emotions because they, too, are also in a state of dysregulation.
I have been experiencing secondary trauma (as have my husband and daughters) due to my son’s aggressive/violent behavior and have developed a fight-or-flight response when he becomes dysregulated. That means that I have to relearn how to be self-aware and to self-regulate in order to shut down my own survival mode instincts.
Adding fuel to a fire that is already raging is not helpful, and with the fire burning bright because rewiring his trauma brain is such a long and difficult process, it’s important that I, as the adult, put in just as much, if not more, work as he is to gain control over emotions again so those healthy habits can be modeled and so I can be available for coregulation (using connection to help another soothe and manage an emotional state).
Every member of our family practices some form of stress management and has been taught a variety of coping skills. One of the easiest skills with one of the fastest response times to help calm your nerves is *breathing.*
Here are 3 breathing techniques that our family has learned from various therapists or counselors over the years:
1. DEEP BREATHING
Slowly inhale through the nose then exhale out the mouth; repeat as needed.
2. SQUARE (BOX) BREATHING
Slowly inhale for 4 counts, hold for 4 counts, exhale for 4 counts, then hold for 4 counts; repeat as needed.
3. PACED BREATHING
Diaphragmatic (belly) deep breath in for 3 counts, hold for 4 counts, then exhale for 5 counts *note: counts can be adjusted as long as each number increases (I.E. inhale 5 counts, hold 6, exhale 7); repeat as needed
More to know
There are a few important things to learn in order to use any coping skill well:
- Identify your/your child’s triggers. What sets you/them off? If you need help determining triggers, try using a notebook or a notes app to track what happened at the onset to cause the emotional state. It’s also a good idea to document how you/they reacted or responded to the cause. After a period of consistent tracking, evaluate your notes for any commonality among the causes and/or the reactions. Often you will need to look beyond the behavior because there is usually an unmet need, such as connection, hunger, tiredness, or illness, that is the true cause. On the other hand, a person’s reaction to what occurred at the onset might actually be the cause. Yelling or brushing off the occurrence/feelings about the occurrence may escalate the emotional state.
- Learn how your body responds when triggered. During an emotional state, try to focus on how the body is signaling that it’s becoming dysregulated. Research common signs of Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawning to learn more about those warning signals. For your child, you’ll need to walk them through what they noticed when they were in the emotional state. Once you know the early signs of the body becoming dysregulated, you can teach yourself to cope before becoming completely overwhelmed by the emotional state.
- Practice coping skills in moments of calm. Like any skill, learning to cope takes practice! In moments of calm, far removed from any dysregulation, practice coping skills. Sit and do square breathing for a few minutes when you’re sitting in bed. Do paced breathing when you’re sitting in traffic. Take deep breathes while getting ready in the morning. The same goes for any other coping skill. Practice, practice, practice!
There is so much more to emotional awareness and emotional regulation, but this is where I will end for now.
Use the comment section to help break the mental health stigma — share with me what breathing techniques you use for yourself or your child or to let me know more about your mental health journey!
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